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The Slow Road… And distractions and petty annoyances


Entry 03/29/2014 11:34:07 AM – Mentat 692

Coffee? Check.

Grocery Shopping? Long since done.

Cleaning? Well, sort of. It’s clean but not a spring cleaning. Then again I still want it warmer.

I’m mostly accomplished, although the cleaning I keep wanting to push off. Not surprising really as I want full sunshine (not this mostly overcast nonsense), and it to be warm enough to having all the windows open. Sure, I have a couple of windows open right now, but it’s not the sort of spring-time warmth I want. Plus there’s threats of rain today which means the windows might not be left open for much longer. My sleep’s been rather clapped out the last week or so… Partially because of the fact that I’m dreaming vividly and surrealistically since moving back to the Hill (and away from the oppression and anger) I experienced in the Valley the last 2+ years. Partially because well, it’s that sort of meh kind of weather where it’s not too cold yet not too warm that it’s causing my sinuses to feel especially blocked. At least last night, I got about 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep before I woke up just prior to dawn, and then took advantage of a 90-minute nap before getting up again. I’m not too sure whether I like what I’ve read of those cycles. On the one side, I feel really energized after that nap. On the other, it takes a full 20 minutes to kick start my brain (and body) before feeling better. And lord knows, I despise feeling that drag-ass when I get up. I might try those a bit more in days to come; because I like the sort of focus I’m feeling after one of these naps — and was even mildly impressed with the fact that I was doing math in my head before the morning coffee. (As I said on the way to the market… “what can I say? I’m lazy with math. After all, that’s what my phone or computer are for…”)

Through the week, I was sort of prodded by mother and aunt about when I was going to go to call up my health care provider and make arrangements for seeing a Psychologist/Psychiatrist. I told the two of them through the course of the years (and after my parent’s divorce), I’ve seen about four (two of which were social workers). In the 4 months of seeing them, I’ve encountered very similar methods between the four: basically shelling out about $80 a week for them to just sit there and listen to me. When I asked each of them near the end of the sessions, they all said pretty much the same thing, “we didn’t see the need to guide you through this, as you had a very good idea on what you wanted to deal with…” Basically told me that I was healing myself and they didn’t need to do anything more than listen.

So I said to both of them, “what’s the need for seeing a shrink, for $1,200+ if all they’re going to do is listen?” After all, I’ve been working on a journal since I was 17 and posting it online for the world to see since 1999. Which accomplishes the exact same thing as having an impartial listener(s) for free. Because when it comes down to it — getting over the anger and rage that I have is going to be a long and slow process — regardless of listeners (paid and unpaid).

I assured them both though, I will eventually go see one. Providing of course, I avoid the pitfall of finding a psychologist/psychiatrist that feels the need to prescribe pills for problems (a solution I despise of most doctors in the medical field), and I understand fully what it is that I need help on.

I’m beginning to see that Moe and my mother’s dog Jack seem to share the same wavelength. They both seem to go crazy about the same time of the day (and even week)… They both disobey for the same reasons (and of course on the same day). They even seem to get more needy (or independent) at about the same time too. They even tend to binge and starve around the same time with their own food (although Jack tends to eat more table scraps than Moe; who eats none really). At least the good thing that comes out of this is that I can be prepared for it when I walk Jack in the morning or afternoon when he’s out on his leash and patrolling his neck of the neighborhood…. Because believe me… having an almost 100 pound chocolate lab that lunges at people to lick them, or attack rival dogs can be quite a pull for anyone not prepared. And I’ve been yanked off my feet by his pulling on a number of occasions.

While I haven’t been driven enough to write that short story I’ve hinted at in the last journal entries, on the bright side my dream states have been more mundane. Well by mundane I mean not something that would make Lovecraft or Poe or (Clive) Barker proud. Though there have been a couple of those sort of dreams going on peppered through my nighttime sleep. Heck, I’ve even had a sexually charged dream once or twice (alright six times) in the last couple of weeks. The good thing is that they weren’t so much the, “oh my god, really!? Not again!?” sort of dreams, but instead more the, “well that was definitely entertaining and amusing.” Can’t remember any of them for the last week — other than this morning’s — but that one was only because I’ve been visiting the rage and impatience for the two douche nozzles while explaining to my mother and aunt the three no’s when it comes to truly causing me rage (e.g., Theft, Pathological Lies, and Using people). At least when I woke up, I wasn’t angry, but simply wondering whether this dream was representative of the impending cleaning storm I have to do for this apartment.

On the good side, I’ve finally worked Free-to-Play for Rift to buy the Storm Legion Souls. I got them this morning before flying out the door to do my monthly groceries. I haven’t tried them out, but the good thing is that they’re there when I’m ready to come back and play.. Especially given that I have 4 character slots on this particular server (shard) as I’m thinking of trying one of each class. On the bad side, I’ve burned through another guild. And this is that story…

I have been in search of a new guild for some time now since leaving the first a couple of months back (because of personal issues with one player). So I warn them in advance that I’m currently shopping for a new guild that fits a certain criteria… They allow for casual players was the biggest. Others that can make or break my staying in a guild/fleet/group is friendliness to new players (as well as regulars), and the rest would be negotiable. So as a low level character I joined another guild warning them that I was shopping and that I had an end-game toon that might join depending on the feel.

At first they were all right with this I was playing a lower level mage at the time when I joined them, although in about a week they were pushing rather insistently for my end-game (Level 60) Rogue to join them for end game raids and seemed insistent as to whether this Rogue were of sufficient stats and gear to be able to do Expert Dungeons and Raids. While I didn’t mind the urgency for my end-level character to join their guild and assured them that there’s no locks on any sort of random (regular or expert) dungeon; they seemed to be all right, and left the nagging feeling I had on the back burner. So I joined with the rogue and they even helped with getting one stat up to their requirements for an end-game raid (Hit: 400). Granted my character was already “Raid Ready” with its Tier II PvE gear, but their standard while being higher was seemed sensible and graciously accepted the gift of a necklace to bring my Hit Stat above 400.

I remember over the last week or so that there was talk about a raid and then they set a raid for the weekend. I thought that it was going to be on Saturday, but found out last night that it was then, and insistently they wanted me to come in with my end-game character instead. Another nag, that I gave in to.

I told them right off the bat that I’ve never done a raid and the last two guilds I was part of; they were both not remotely high enough in level and geared for even Expert Dungeons. I explained that I can do rather well taking orders as well as having it explained to me any quirks of the scenario that we would be going into. The person that I was chatting with from the guild at the time seemed uninterested with this piece of information and continued to insist (too much) that I should be a bard (a support/healer role).

I told him several times in voice chat and in type that I haven’t worked with the class and it would take weeks before I would be up to mastering that role for the character.

He continued to seem to insist this in spite of my telling him that I was a more than adequate Area-of-Effect Damage Dealer, and an average Single-Target Damage Dealer that I should be/they needed a Bard.

Mildly annoyed, I ignored him after that until the raid started.

In the raid I told them once again I don’t do well being thrown into the deep end of an unknown mission and that as a virgin if they tell me what to expect, I’ll do better at keeping up with the group. The Raid leader (and officer for the guild) agreed he’d keep the new people in the loop during the mission. And no, I wasn’t the only new person for this guild-raid.

Of course, he didn’t tell the new people anything to expect. Which were the mobs, who was the boss and what kind of quirks the boss can throw at the group. He didn’t tell us how treasure was doled out (not the typical raid/dungeon of Need or Greed), how one conducts themselves in voice-chat/typing chat when it’s a mixed Guild/PUG group.

On one instance, I learned after the fact, and didn’t set my character role properly for maximum damage. I didn’t realize I had to “/roll” instead of the usual need/greed popup box (and because of it didn’t get any of the end boss loot). On the other, I completely botched the boss fight and we all died. When it was criticized that my DPS was under 3,000, I typed out I couldn’t find my rhythm with this boss (which was why my DPS was so low), I got chastised in voice-chat that I shouldn’t say that sort of thing as the PUGs could rage quit. The person that did so did it with the same level of condescension demonstrated because I couldn’t play a Bard according to his requirements.

I snapped back at the person that chastised me, that my admissions wouldn’t be so big a problem (as they were making it out to be) given that for most of the dungeon so far, I was ranked #2 in damage dealing, exceeding several veterans by significant points in the process.

The second time through the boss that we failed with, it turned out that the two people that were new to the raid did in fact survive and beat the boss (and the rest had died horribly), but by that point I was fed up with the guild and the raid on the whole and left. Both to cool off as well as play a game I was sure to do well with (Warframe).

I talked a bit with Glenn after that souring experience and realized that this was much like getting a new job and on the first day of starting it, the manager shows you the desk, computer and phone you’ll be working from and as the manager walks away says, “good luck with your job…” No training, no what to expect, not even basic explanations of what to expect — other than perhaps the feeling I was last choice for the position because: …I wasn’t a Bard…

So this morning, another “not a good fit” e-mail to the officer that recruited me, monies paid for the necklace given and off to the wilds to being a free-agent after a good nap and a couple of cups of coffee…

And that folk, is another example of the bad side of gaming. I think I’ll end it here for the time being. I spend too much time a distraction than the actual issues. I’ll be back another time and try again. Until the next time.

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