Entry 11/02/2016 08:00:45 AM – Mentat 1204
“Welcome to Babylon 5, the last best hope for a quick buck.” – Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5
While I’m not sure whether or not this entry’s going to be going out to the world, I think that quote is rather apropos for at least one of the subjects that I’m going to be covering in this entry. However, as I’m sitting here breakfasted, caffeinated — mostly, more to explain there — and the happy little Hell-beast is up on the desk gingerly flicking its tail, I’m wondering how to approach everything in an orderly fashion… Yeah, the usual sort of chaos that comes from the fact that there’s much to cover in the wide, wide world of the Baldelli Homestead.
My annual physical has come and gone. I’ve gained about 17 pounds mainly due to laziness and more than unusual intake of junk food in the form of chips, crackers and candy. So much so that after the blood work had been processed, the doctor’s office called me to tell me the usual that my sugar’s a little high and the unusual that my triglycerides are of a concern and that I should change my diet a bit more. Yeah, sure no problem there. So at the time of this entry, I’ve cut out all sorts of junk foods from chips to crackers to anything that would be chocolate (yeah, that part’s killing me at the moment, but at least the jonesing hasn’t really started yet). Instead, I’ve been doing my best trying to eat more healthy snacks — raw fruits and vegetables, less pastas and that sort of thing.
I’ve also cut down on my caffeine intake with my morning coffee, either picking up decaf iced coffee if I’m out of the house or drinking half-caf when I’m lounging about the house in the morning. While my sleep might be a bit knackered if only because of other influences — like middle-aged — at least I’m learning that if I’m working I need 7½ of sleep a night and when I’m not working 6½ is more than adequate. At least the good thing is that I’m more than happy about mid-afternoon naps when I can have them just in case.
Oh yeah, and thanks to the more temperate autumn, I’m more than happily picking up my habit of walking at least 3 miles (4.8 Km) during the afternoon. The good thing about this is that couple this with both quick galivants in the morning and the usual walking of my mother’s Monster Child™, I can average more than 10,000 steps in the day; which I’m sure my doctor’s going to be happy about the next annual checkup.
Then yesterday, I had the pleasure of the other-half of the annual checkup/preventative measure that come with Middle Aged: the dreaded colonoscopy examination. Pfft, I say to that. While I might understand the need for such things when it comes to people from families that have histories of various forms of cancer to even smoking in one’s life — for someone like me I’d prefer to perform an enema with Dranō especially after that gallon of swill consisting of Gatorade and MiraLAX with a Dulcolax chaser. The day before fast can also go. I made mention to the doctor an enema with distilled water would have been less of an annoyance than the pre-prep that’s handed out to all patients, but he explained to me that with a cleaned out system they also do checks between the large to small intestines, so that suggestions for that discomfort are out.
While I can barely remember the post-operative conversation because I was still loopy from the anesthesia they used, I do remember that the doctor had explained to me that they had found a couple of polyps — although my mother being present at the time explained they also found them on her and had confirmed they were benign, so I’m playing the waiting game at the moment until it’s confirmed they’re benign from me as well. I do also remember something about the doctor saying something about looking forward to the next exam in 3 to 5 years.
Thinking, fuck that, I nodded, shook his hand and hobbled my way out to the car.
Yeah, no… As I said to my mother, if they ever confirm the possibility of cancer, I would rather die than go through the chemotherapy and the various other horrors that await someone trying to get their cancer treated. Besides, I have other concerns that might be happening later in my life, from the possibility of Parkinson’s Disease from my mother’s side of the family, Alzheimer’s from my father’s side of the family, a stroke in my later years from both sides of the family up at least 5 generations, just to name the ones I’ve seen in my years on this planet.
As a side note, the first thing I did was completely cheat any dietary restrictions and bought a Chicken Ranch and Bacon Calzone from my favorite local restaurant: Vasilio’s, apparently screwed up my maths between cost and tip by at least $0.20 cents, ate that while watching Xmeagol’s stream has he was playing something, passing out in my chair in the office and then hobbling to bed to sleep another couple of hours with the cat on my chest. It was surprising how I was able to function in spite of being in a post-anesthetized state.
The homestead has been in a state of chaos, disrepair and blackmailed repairs when the issue gives me the feeling that I’m not living in a house, but out in the forest like the Radical Faeries I knew used to in Atlanta, GA. Starting with the roof, apparently there had been water damage to parts of the roof on the eastern side of the house. I’m not sure I’ve mentioned it publicly, but I’ve made quite a bit of noise on it privately as there was one night when it was seriously lashing out that when I took a break from whatever gaming I had been playing, went to the toilet and heard that the facet was leaking in the kitchen. Without turning the light on, I checked the faucets and when I got dripped on, realized that the dripping water was coming from the third floor. Investigating, it turns out that the water dripping was coming in from the roof above the third floor with it running down the walls and straight onto the floor on the third and as gravity is a harsh mistress, was coming into my apartment in the process.
I can put up with a lot of things going wrong in my part of the shelter, but water in my apartment is definitely not one of them. I talked with the landlord and his temporary solution while he was dealing with things in his life was to put a basin down in the hopes of catching the water before he had to call out for someone to work on the roof. Turns out that his temporary solution was as useless as a screen door on a submarine, and I was forced to hold back the month’s check as a means of blackmailing him to getting someone to work on the roof. And so before the next rainstorm that we had, he got someone to work on the roof and since it’s rained more than few times in the following weeks — my apartment (and the third floor apartment) — have been bone dry.
Then yesterday, as I was prepping for the colonoscopy exam, I was entertained with a very lukewarm shower. Without my morning coffee, by entertained I actually mean tortured. After investigating the problems in the basement, I encountered water from one of the three sewer outlets in the basement (seriously three of them for a three by three apartment building). Seems to be the front one that deals with the sinks (for the kitchens) in the front of the house. After relighting the pilot on the water heater and checking it a couple of times between last night and this morning — so far it’s remained lit (knocking on wood) — and while the water’s definitely warming, it’s not the piping hot that I’m used to… I adjusted the temperature upwards a bit, it’s significantly warmer, though not as piping hot as I remember, but then I just changed it less than an hour ago, and it’s a large tank so I’m not sure. Let’s hope that ends the problem, but if not I might need to look into a new water heater sometime in the future. More on that I’m sure.
On my off time, I’ve been playing the usual games and added one more game to the repertoire. First and foremost ties into the reason for the quote that opened this entry: Star Trek Online. While I play games my way and solo, I often watch chat (and sometimes the exchange/auction house) the price gouging in that particular game has been astronomical. With the introduction of Tier-6 Kelvin Timeline Constitution Class Cruiser (otherwise known as the JJ Abrams’ Enterprise), pricing for starships has gone from the rather insane 500 million energy credits to well over 1.2 billion (there’s an EC cap on players that’s only to 1 billion) and have incorporated exchange of Master Keys as necessary for the purchase from sellers. While I had no issues on the Energy Credit Costs, going into real-world money — upwards between $270 to above $300 USD — for an in-game item seems to be the epitome of greed.
Perfect World/Cryptic seem to well aware of the greed and seemed to have instituted Energy Credit requirements for Fleet/Clan projects, but the truth of the matter is, this instituted method of greed control is too little and much too late as the price gouging and greed going on within game, as the sellers have now completely moved onto Master Key exclusively for exchanges for sellable ships. PW/Cryptic’s solution is too little and much too late and I’ve suggested that PW/Cryptic look into a solution this morning, but I’m pretty damned sure it’ll go ignored. The game is making more money now than when it was subscriber based.
Then there’s Warframe. I’ve covered that game’s ongoing issues in this forum thread. While I’ve made my peace in that posting (and pretty much ignored the comments that were made on it), I’ve pretty much said my piece and made my piece with the imperfections of the game. I continue to play the game in spurts — what I like to call burst playing (playing missions in a burst of one to three per run) — either based on the alerts that I see, or for the grind for leveling up weapons (and later warframes). After that I wander off to do whatever else it is I want to do during that time.
As of the last time I paid attention to the developer news (through their weekly Live-Streams on Twitch), I was moderately pissed-off that I lack one of the many requirements for doing the recent story about to be released next week (The War Within), but also made my peace on it as I’ll be able to check it out sometime in the future. Hell, thinking about it, it almost took me six months after the release of Second Dream to actually play and finish it, so I shouldn’t be too miffed that I won’t be ready for the newest part of the saga on release.
In place of Rift that I’m dumping again, for two reasons; in its place I’ve picked up and starting playing Elite: Dangerous. Unlike Warframe (which also gets called Farmframe from the amount of grind in the game), E:D is clearly grind from the time you start playing the game (either in Solo or Open area Modes). I’ll definitely playing this game much like I do Warframe in burst mode to prevent the potential burnout that can occur from playing a game with more than a little sameness. I still haven’t figured out how I want to play this game, given I’ve seen some pretty impressive Twitch streams covering aspects of taxiing for money to YouTube for bounty hunting and from what I’ve been reading on the wiki there are other choices and combinations thereof. I’m still trying to make up my mind on that, although knowing me I’ll probably go with something Privateer and legal. I don’t like fines and I hate the thought of being hunted down by other players.
And that’s about it for the time being. Tomorrow it’s the 0400 laundry run and then it’s back to life as usual. Until the next time.
Entry 05/20/2016 06:41:43 AM – Mentat 1088
Truth be told I’ve had positively no gumption to posting anything about me, my life or anything else publicly since the beginning of the year. Part of the reason is that with the exclusion of one incident, I’ve been remarkably and incredibly superfluous in the months since both the incident as well as since the new year. While I sort of miss the fact of my being rather intense and laser-focused about this or that, the fact is that I’ve come to learn that laser-focus was part of the price of having incredibly high blood pressure… To the tune of 220/117 and higher (as I’ve no doubt said before). Once I began the regimen of diuretics and blood pressure medications (which according to the doctor were originally used as a means of anti-anxiety), other than the more than occasional rage flare ups, I’ve been remarkably sedate about everything. Sure it’s still a bit high at my last doctor’s check-up… 140/84.. But both he and I agree that it’s significantly lower than it was when I first started coupled with the fact that I usually had it checked no sooner than 5 minutes after my walking both to the bus center (Kennedy Plaza) and then to his office… And believe me when I say I never walk casually anywhere. He believes me when I say that when I’ve checked it at home — when I’ve been rested — it usually hovers around 130/74. Still a bit high — but as I continue to lose weight he believes it should continue to go lower. And with that he’s chosen that the next time I see him is for the annual examination this October.
About the only thing that I’m not really liking about the diuretics (Chlorthalidone) is the fact that because my blood’s been thinned, I’m finding temperatures below 60 F (15.5 C) to being chilly. And by chilly I mean I need to be putting on a sweater/hoodie if I’m wearing a short sleeve shirt. It’s quite the shocking change for me given that I got used to being able to brave through the 40s F (~4 C) and not remotely considering shutting windows and turning on the space heater for a bit of warmth. People are telling me it’s because I’m middle-aged, except that I didn’t have that problem for the last 7’ish years.
Moe and I have reached a wonderful understanding about his time on the desk in the office: he can sit there all he wants, but if he sprawls and causes the NAS or speakers to get knocked down, then he’s off the desk without a warning. This seems to have worked out for the best as he’s liking the thought of sitting on my lap (or on the chair’s backing) whenever he can instead. That’s rather difficult given that he’s usually trying to get on my lap when I’m in the middle of game play, but seems all right when I’m watching a video or six. About the strangest thing I’ve come to find though is that he seems to hide whenever he’s puked up his food — or in the case this morning — seemed to have painted the bathroom floor like a toddler — and that’s to hide under the bed like he knows he’s done wrong. The funny thing is that I’ve always had the policy that there’s really no need to punish or scold cats for this as it’s usually out of their control. So leave ’em there under the bed until I’m through cleaning and then sort him out with a little loving so that he knows he’s done nothing wrong.
Funny thing is that he’s even more squirrelly about loud noises than ever. Be it the vacuum, me dropping something, or anything loud and he’s gone faster than the dust he’s kicked up. It was rather funny this morning as the garbage trucks were out there doing their weekly pick up and when I came up behind him (on my way to the sink), he reacted much like this. In spite of the usual dust-ups between he and I — something I’m still trying to figure out — I guess I’m a lot quieter than I thought. So that’s not helped his skittishness since we’re being here on Federal Hill.
Oh and one more thing about Moe… As I’ve said before he usually doesn’t have much interest in human food and the most enticing I’ve found is the remains of a tuna can as I’m having something with that. Ham? Nope, no interest. Beef? The same. Chicken? Eh he loves the smell, but can’t be bothered other than to smell it… Nope… His love seems to be blueberry muffins and strawberries off the bush. Seems he’ll go out of his way to have those instead even right out of my hand of off the dish. Strange that given that cats by nature don’t have the taste buds for sweet as they tend to stick to salty and meat… thanks to evolution. But I’ll just chalk that up to Moe’s eccentricities and move forward from there.
During my off-time, a friend of mine has been trying to convince me to get into World of Warships and I’ve been hesitant about it. Sure, from what I’ve been watching from The Mighty Jingles and my watching the various tutorials from the MMO; gaming in it is pretty much what I’ve come to expect from Star Trek Online with most of the controls… But what makes me hesitant about going into the game has entirely to do with the cooperative and team playing missions.. Yeah, you know me — if I can’t play with other people, I’m more than merry about keeping to myself and playing with my toys because I just play my way like I did when I was in kindergarten… and I’m more than happy about that. Put me in with other people — especially complete strangers — and I become this raging psychotic yelling at my screen and systematically ignoring people so that I’ll never have to play with them again. Better to stay in my own sandbox instead… I might eventually go into it — but that’s not quite right now.
Warframe I’ve gotten out of my comfort zone and have been doing missions that I was hesitant to do. I still haven’t gamed with other people (see above about that), but at least when I do play — there are at least a small handful of people I can play with if I need to do some mission that I can’t solo through. Well up until a couple of months ago — I don’t get on early enough for most and one has taken a break from the game to pursue other games — like World of Warships and War Thunder.
I’ve given up entirely on Rift for two reasons. The first and foremost reason is that it’s broken on both the Guardian as well as the Defiant sides of the RPG portions of the leveling up story-quests… On the Guardian side it seems to go all right, but then you get this really steep leveling mission that you’ll end up getting killed numerous times. There seems to be some sort of progression break from what I remember of the questlines and it seems to be lacking the adventuring through the various regions and seems to jump ahead in places I don’t remember being able to jump ahead to. The second reason is that it seems to be hell-bent on advertising Subscription Access for the “added benefits”… So much so that that much advertising in a game is off-putting to someone that I did put money into through the years.
And finally Star Trek Online is just something mindless and grind-like that I don’t mind doing for a couple of hours. I think I had a meltdown a couple of months ago when I realized that I was having shit-luck building up the FED-Engineer and FED-Science Captains and in a fit of rage deleted them. After all, I’ve been having better luck and success grinding and getting things with my FED-Tactical and ROM-Tactical… I did rebuilt the FED-Science Officer along with launching a Klingon Tactical Captain — but truth be told they’re sitting in my pick-list collecting dust for the last couple of months. Part of me is sort of loathing the thought of learning that the Science Captain is as clapped-out as running an Engineering Captain, most of me is wondering whether I should reroll it when the new season rolls out called Agents of Yesterday. I’m not sure yet, though it almost sounds enticing.
As for the rest…. Yeah well, other than the occasional blatant, up-front and completely unsuccessful pull from the folk in the area, I’m enjoying my sabbatical from the rest of humanity. Seriously the mind boggles at some of the things gay men say to one another in order to get a tryst, date, whatever. At least the good thing is that I’ve stopped getting the “will you be my daddy?” messages because of my Four Rules. And in case you can’t find those rules; I’ll post them once again here:
1. They have to be over 6’4″ for me to consider eligible.
2. They have to be older than my combat boots (33 years) for me to actually ask them out for coffee.
3. They have to be older than how many years I’ve been out of the closet for me to consider dating regularly. (37 years).
4. They have to be mature, vivacious and so at peace with their issues for me to consider breaking any of the first three rules.
The 20-somethings in the area see that first rule and apparently they’re all appearance intimidated. A good thing all around given that I’ve reached the age in my life where I’m tired of having to train tweens (Tolkien’s use of the word, not Urban Dictionary’s) to being mature adults. And the adults? Well, they’re man children… They’re appearance intimidated more often times than naught, so only the truly ballsy will try messaging me. Or cat-fishing. Either or, it’s win-win.
And that’s about it for the time being. Off to slink back to the quiet, which I’m enjoying. Until the next time.
A Couch Potato’s Review of Warframe
As I’ve said in the past, while I am not much of an MMO player, the games that I tend to find within the MMO/MMORPG realm are few and far between and rely on a number of elements that make for my wanting to stay with them:
- It’s a theme that I readily relate to as a long-time sci-fi and fantasy geek and nerd.
- It has replay value.
- It’s challenging but not punishing.
- End-Game while being grind-like isn’t so mind-numbingly bad or poorly executed I feel like it’s a job working on an assembly line (I remember those 20+ years ago, this is why I got an education and degree to get away from that).
- That I can play these games alone or with the friends I have or make in the game and I can do so on my whim and impulse and is not a requirement of the game.
- The community playing it is fun, mature, Can take criticism against what they don’t like and negotiate it into what they like.
- (and in the last couple of years), as a Free-to-Play Game it doesn’t feel as though the developers or distribution company has put on so many restrictions that to unlock the ransom demand(s) put on my character(s) to play them for the fullest extent and I have to pull the credit card out of my wallet.
- And finally (as well as something that’s developed in the last couple of years), the distributor(s) and/or developers will listen to the community and adjust according to the input within the community for the bugs encountered, content requested and keep to the ever fine line between placating the loudest in the herd with the vision originally deigned for the game they produced.
This shouldn’t be surprisingly why I have stayed with some games after two years and why others while still being on the gaming partition of my PC haven’t been touched in an equal amount of time. Warframe seems to be rapidly becoming one of the latter and less of the former.
At first I thought that it was a great game. It had the elements that I like in real time shooters: challenge, enemies that seemed to follow the rules, and while this game is extremely light on story-based RPGs, it had the sort of missions that could keep me entertained enough from beginning to end. But then three things began to niggle at me… The first is that the farther you get through the solar system, the more it felt as though the game is punishing and not challenging (with the usual caveats, but I’ll get to that in a minute). The second is that for an open beta, the amount of changes that had been going on since it went open was more like an alpha test instead. And the third is that I’m not too keen on the community at large.
Now, I’ve been working in the IT industry for more than 20 years (granted the majority of it has been in networking and telecomm, but there’s a healthy amount of beta & alpha testing in there as well) and when something has been marked/advertised as a beta (be it open or closed), this usually means that the majority of the program has been ironed out and that it’s on its way to being distributed for the general market. Admittedly I haven’t been too keen on the whole, “Alpha testing is the new beta” mentality of programmers, developers and most importantly software distributors in the last decade however, regardless of my personal opinion on the difference between the two: this game is clearly in alpha testing.
Too much seems to be crammed into the game update to update to update and not enough of this game seems to be nailed down for production and distribution. To make matters worse, unless it’s something that makes the game impossible to play, bug tracking and fixing is either done internally making it near impossible for we the testers to get an idea of what’s been reported, what’s been reported repeatedly (or what’s considered still an “open issue”) and what is in the queue for repair with the next distributed patch. What we — the volunteer beta testers — should be seeing is something like this. What we’re getting is a standard discussion forum layout instead which comes standard in PHP website design. This leads to the next problem…
The community at large.
The problem with this is both a lesson in the good, the bad and of course the ugly of crowd-sourcing troubleshooting and development of any program that caters to the gaming community. Criticism of the game is often met with the same sort of mindset as posting a comment on 4Chan: Some people in agreement, some in conscientious disagreement with the remainder of the conversations/discussions/comments teetering between the lowest common denominator of the trolling community through the obdurate contrarians that discourage any sort of criticism to what they themselves appreciate and finally the hoards of sycophants that sing the praises that the developers can do no wrong.
This has been creating a problem with the development of this game because it’s from a small percentage of (the loudest) players that have been with the game early on (or better are able to master the game quickly) that complain on how this game does not have much “challenge”. And instead of tiering the difficulty levels of this game — say, a beginner, a medium, a hard and perhaps even a hardcore level to this game — has been doing it as one level only.
While I have been fortunate in the few times that I have posted on the forums has been met with intelligent discourse and disagreement — I have meandered through the forums and seen the sort of discussions, trollings and outright derision toward posting that I experienced in the first years of being on Usenet. Don’t get me wrong, I have years of history at being the worst possible troll people could ever face. I did it with intelligence, a sharp wit and a sharper tongue. This is gaming though, and gaming is something I like to do casually. Something I like challenge with and coming out at the end feeling a bit better for thinking something through. It’s not the sort of thing I want to have to put on the fire-resistant skivvies on to wade through comments and negativity when I find something that should be considered enjoyable and met with the feeling as though I’m dealing with the “neck beards of 4Chan”. This is most certainly not the sort of thing I want to deal with when reporting and checking on bugs that I’m assisting in making a good game better.
Finally the game itself. When I dealt with the beginning planet (Mercury), I couldn’t sing the praises enough to friends about it. It’s a shooter, it’s challenging, it’s the sort of thing that can be played alone and in groups and seemed to follow a set of rules that I was beginning to understand. Enemies were tough, but only challenging if I tried to go head to head with. It wasn’t the sort of infuriating punishment that came from programmers that played the game for hundreds of hours at a time and artificially inflated numbers (enemies, etc) and situations to make it more challenging. The farther out I got (at the time, Venus, Saturn, Mars, Earth and Uranus), the more difficult to impossible it was to play these missions alone. Two of the bosses (Saturn and Venus) for example cannot be done alone at all. It takes a team to play it. I began having trepidations as to the direction this game was beginning to take. That was for update 7.
Update 8 introduced me to completely punishing and something that I found myself rapidly disgusted with. Levels were insanely redesigned where the problem wasn’t so much for trying to get through the tile set alive, it was trying to stay alive when being bum-rushed by insane amounts in enemy hoards that in some cases of team play — players were barely able to make it through without being practically killed. I had also noticed that enemy factions changed the rules they had been following the farther you get out from the beginning worlds… Where the factions are able to shake off elemental damages (fire and electricity) and still be able to shoot at the player with lethal and infallible accuracy. Confused enemies for special player moves? Nope, that stopped rather quickly. Further examples of punishment to me the player, came from enemy factions being able to stun lock into immobility and death. What’s called “the lazy man’s method” of making a game difficult.
Update 9 continued on the bad trend of adding nightmare levels. While I can appreciate that some players want that sort of challenge that comes from harder difficulties, I am not one of these sort of players. Seeing the nightmare levels showing up on maps and on some missions that I definitely appreciated playing solo (like Exterminate missions) and doing so in a draconian — you have no choice other than skipping the level — is not my idea of “fun”. When I want to play Elite mode in Star Trek Online for example, I do so from the options menu. It’s not something that I’m forced to do but can volunteer to do at my own discretion.
And bugs? God, there are still bugs in play from Update 7 when I first came into the game that continue to plague this game at the time of this review. Sometimes it feels as though for every bug that’s been fixed, three other bugs crop up in its place. And I really don’t like playing games that continue to maintain bugs as part of play. That’s a good part of the reason why I stopped playing Star Wars: The Old Republic too.
Believe me when I say, I’m not trying to be intentionally negative in this review of the game. I understand that the developers is a small group of people making this game for some years now. I understand that they have dreams and aspirations for making the next best MMO. I understand that they also have a big list of bugs and issues that need to be fixed (and have gone onto a couple of live-streams to reinforce this). I applaud them for their ingenuity and their dedication for making this game. And I find myself giving them an attaboy for the ingenious way they’re trying to get people to buy things for the game.
However at the same time — I think they’re being too ambitious too quickly. I don’t think they understand that they should be worried not on the content of the game, but making the game more smooth. Work out the bugs first before going hog wild with the new content. That they don’t have a clear vision that needs to cater to a wide array of players from the casual to the hardcore and rely too much on hardcore player input to solve the replay value of the game. Finally in the last two live streams from the developers I’ve watched, conveyed too much on their concern about being cheated out of money rather than making the game fun. Because let’s face it — cheating happens in all games — from MMO to single-player. We as a gaming community don’t like it when we’re being honest and despise it when we see it happening. But talking about it to their viewing public? Well, it’s admirable — but talking about it more than once or twice sends up side messages that give me the impression a clear vision of the game doesn’t seem to exist.
Bottom Line: This game while being promising, I say with reservation it is not ready for prime time. It’s in my personal (read: Armchair) opinion that their ambitions to entering the console world this Fall, 2013 is going to end somewhere between lack luster and poorly. The game is definitely not for the solo MMO player and even joining it with friends will end up finding themselves punished by poorly (and very lazily) designed situations. I might be wrong.. At least I hope so…
Apophysis 2.08 3D Hack, Un-Retouched
Just a little random colors for a sunny day. Don’t stare at this too long, else you’ll start seeing spots.
Entry 04/06/2013 07:21:28 AM – Mentat 684
“In a democracy dissent is an act of faith. Like medicine, the test of its value is not in its taste, but in its effects.” – J. William Fulbright
While yesterday was one of those sort of days where I was up and about more than sitting down and calm, I had an incident that gave me a bit of humor and a lot of pause. During one of those interludes while C was off with friends, I decided to play a bit of Star Trek Online because I needed to grind a bit of Dilithium and it’s a fairly good way of adding a bit of routine (and order) to an otherwise jittery day. Here is a bit of the back story to this to understand where I’m coming from in this.
I had left the Fleet that I had been part of because of a difference of opinion on what can and cannot be talked about and me having a problem with anyone censoring individuals or a group, took exception when one particularly conversation (that wasn’t in the least bit offensive) was being censored by some rather loud detractors. So, I went on the market to find another Fleet that I could dump my excess materials, equipment, monies and what have you… and went in search of other gaymers. The largest of the LGBT fleets that I had come across was Stonewall Fleet, so much so that they had their own chat channel within the game that I could configure and join. I remember doing so (configuring and joining the chat channel and perhaps later on, the fleet) with the intent of getting a feel of the people before. Sort of a try before you buy, as the saying goes.
About a week or two into watching and then later interacting with the chat, I got into my first scuffle with a bunch of the more uptight folk in the group. I made a comment about leaving for Star Wars: The Old Republic to troll the kids there, and they got offensive about it. Sure, I know I worded it wrong and made the mistake of assuming that people would understand my nature given I often snarked folk in the week I had been actively chatting, but they went on the attack saying it’s wrong. After 30 minutes of my explaining why I do what I do (I only troll kids that are being tits. After all, I work on the belief, if you’re going to be a tit, you’re going to be treated as such). Only one of the more aggressive understood why I was the way I was (even if he didn’t condone it), while the rest were remaining on the offensive. Basically doing precisely what I do for the reasons why I do it, and denying their nature in the process.
At that point, I decided I was going to remain a free agent and not join their fleet and waited out for better offers.
I did get that better offer from a good acquaintance in Ireland (no, not you Glenn) who had also left the fleet we had been part of because of differences in play styles with the management there and ended up joining a rather nice bunch of folk from the fleet of LaFamilia (otherwise known as “The Family”). I tagged along because I have a good rapport with the smarmy git and the fact that he generally knows how to pick them even if things fall through at a later time. Though I kept Stonewall Fleet Chat active because I wasn’t sure what the mix was with the Fleet, and admittedly it’s nice to be able to chat, be camp, and generally light with folk that can understand some of the humor I’ve come to appreciate (and am familiar with).
Then comes last night. I was in a fairly good mood, I wanted to grind a bit. The queerfolk where in their usual sort of high spirits mood. There was a bit of camp, and a bit of heckling going on. I sort of made a couple of comments, but paid more attention to the grinding for Dilithium that I was doing. And then it hit me while I was heading towards the Asteroid Mine that there was something happening on Bajor. Some sort of gathering. Several of the folk were making cutesy comments that the “speechifier” was going to be speechifying.
I was mining on the Asteroid, and there it was in it’s full and vomitus glory… The leader of the Stonewall Fleet was prattling on like a politician running for a term in office.
I said something about being a politician’s son and that the last thing that should be going on is any sort of aggrandizing grandstanding in a public chat. That it’s better to get to the point.
The leader of the fleet send a scathing whisper to me accusing me of being disrespectful and that he would mute me if I continued.
For one brief moment, I thought about copying & pasting that comment to the Public chat calling out that I must’ve hit a nerve if this “speechifier” is making threats in private. But then I thought twice about it, knowing full well of doing such a thing would cause instantaneous flaming both from the leader as well as whatever quiet spectators were sitting there watching.
In the meantime, several of the fleet called me a “d-bag” for being so “disrespectful”.
I shot back quickly that I’m not a douchebag, and clarified that I generally am good to get along with except when someone is being a grandstanding blow-hard. I went on further to say that he should get to the point as this is a game, not a platform for a political campaign.
The leader went on to say something about “welcoming diversity to the fleet.”
To which I countered, “except when that opinion is dissenting” and got myself banned from their happy little chat.
Admittedly I didn’t realize that I was banned. It had simply gone quiet and I had assumed that the lot of them had moved whatever long-winded speech that was going on to Ventrilo. But after a brief respite from the game, going to chat with C for a bit before he headed to bed and coming back to finish off the grinding and the Duty Officer Missions that I wanted to queue up, realized that it had been too quiet for that Stonewall Fleet’s chat channel. So when I went to look for the channel information, my access to it had been removed. When I tried to re-join I had been denied.
I laughed in LaFamilia’s fleet chat and told them the story, including the banning. There was a bit of chat, and a bit of explaining, but overall at the time before I headed to bed I found it sardonically funny. So did the members of my fleet (though they were a bit confused about how I pulled of being part of 2 different fleet chats).
This morning though? I’m finding it sad. I mean here we are in the 21st century, and what I saw of the leader of this group and the repercussions of my actions to be antiquated. This is something I would’ve expect in the 80s and not now. After all, diversity as it has been taught to me is to accept the good and the bad of the community. It means that sometimes, we’re going to encounter people of an opinion that is completely counter to our own.
I had learned through my years of wandering the planet that a good leader (not to mention a strong one), will be able to roll not only with those of like mind, but also those of an opinion completely counter to their own. To be able to address the group as well as the hecklers, in a way that can bring them all together. Well, sometimes anyway. There are just some that are impossible to please.
This leader of this group however, isn’t one of those that could be qualified as a good leader. If anything, he’s one of the most common of the “leaders” I’ve seen since my days on IRC.
So as I continue to write this entry, I recalled a lot of the familiar patterns of seeing this in the 23 years of being online. The cliquishness of gay men’s (and sometimes even lesbian) groups. The hair-trigger attitude of dissenting voices to whatever the head of the group encounters them. The banning/removing/ostracizing of whatever dissenting voice that comes up — automatically assuming that dissention is equivalent to “the enemy”. That this was typical of someone that has been bullied and picked on that created a power base of being their own Queen of Hearts in their own little kingdom.
Sitting here now, it raises the question: Have we as the abused (from years of being put down for being gay) become the very thing we hated? The abuser? That in our striving for equality, have we lost our ability to understand the very tolerances we’re demanding from others?
I hope not. Because if we have, this is going to be a very dark day in the future when (and if) we get those equalities we’ve been fighting for, all these years.
Anyway, I’m off for the time being. Time to watch a bit of television, make lunch and have a moment or two of peace. Until the next time.
Entry 02/24/2013 08:44:31 AM – Mentat 681
“The summit of happiness is reached when a person is ready to be what he is.” – Desiderius Erasmus
Sunday morning and I’m off with a start. Weird dreams that I’m simply allowing to fade into forgetfulness (and definitely not really worth mentioning as they were more third-person observations into the lives of others instead of first person). Getting everything (including cleaning the house) done before 8 am. Sitting here and swigging my first cup of coffee an hour before usual. Heck I was even able to work on my Fractal of the Day and not only did I get it done as I was finishing up with cleaning the house, but also was able to get it posted in sort of record time as well (good thing to habits and being able to run on auto-pilot sometimes). It sort of feels like nervous energy — which I still do get on occasion — but it’s not originating in the usual places. I could meditate on it, though I’m sure I’m going to find my brain going all over the place trying to, given that I’m still trying to drink my morning coffee. It’s something I might have the chance to unwind as I sit here writing… Or not, depending on mood and inspiration/muse.
I know it’s been a couple of weeks since the last time I’ve written. Almost three (weeks) as I look at the date on the last journal entry. Since the last time I’ve sat down and written, I’ve come to realize that I had a bad combination of Mid-Winter Blahs and Post-Holiday Blues. I about wanted to throttle my boss and landlord because he’s been way too scattered (and all over the place) queuing up work like a schizophrenic maid cleaning on what he wants/needs done at the garage and the properties that he’s trying to get rented once again. I needed (and got) 6 days off and a wage renegotiation to the amount of responsibilities that he has been throwing at me the last six or so months (and was still able to get the month of February’s rent paid so that I can work on trying to find jobs before the beginning of the month of March). During the six days off, I had spontaneously picked up the habit of working on a fractal a day (and posting them to all the usual places). Fun times there, as it’s rather fun to be starting my iPod/iTunes and then coding based on the first song that plays. In my downtime, I was able to get my main toon in Star Wars: The Old Republic up to End-Game Level (50) and found myself rather disappointed with the ending to the storyline as I was able to kill the Emperor of the Sith/Empire in about 45 seconds. Pissed off queerfolk and got myself ostracized on Star Trek Online in admitting that I troll petulant and disrespectful kids on SWTOR (for the lolz). And somewhere along the way, find that my calling has picked up another soul on his way to understand the meaning of life, the universe and everything.
Yes, there’s where the off-center is coming from. But it’s not like when I was dealing with someone else from the central part of the United States. God, that was the sort of drama that I found myself unable to handle at all. Sexual-related dreams every night for the first ten days/two weeks we had talked. Finding my center and grounding completely upheaved and leaving me a nervous and emotional wreck. No, this seems to be more like the nervousness of anticipation because my own curiosity is getting the best of me. While I know it’s rare for me to find equals (or even masters) in my life, I’ve come to appreciate that my calling involves me dealing with acolytes and those new to the path that I walk more. It’s just that… sometimes it would be nice to being able to talk with some that understands and can relate to what I know (and understand), instead of approaching the person as a student and waiting patiently for them to come unto their own to understanding what I know. That and I have to admit, it feels like a really long time since I’ve actually spent time thinking/feeling in metaphysics.
Heh, a friend of mine long ago (who surprisingly is recently departed) once said to me that, “…you are (and I suspect always have been)a teacher of teachers…” Hard to imagine more than 17 years later, I’m finding myself the teacher of students instead. Perhaps it’s a good thing about getting old and learning patience (or simply divine apathy) when dealing with the acolyte. At least they tend to last a bit longer and not prone to ending up in the fetal position, sucking on their thumb and crying pitilessly for their momma when I begin to lose my patience at how slow they’re taking when picking up what’s practically being given to them.
All right, so I understand now where the off-centered is coming from and it’s interesting that because of it, I’m looking for some sort of muse to be creative with. Not the sort of creative that the Mad Scientist (that I am) does with maths. No, the sort of creativity that comes from word weaving. From writing stories to weaving some sort of narrative that incites thoughts, emotions and perhaps even memories. The only problem is that I can’t find the right sort of muse to pull this off — not even for my own journal. *sighs* And I hate when this happens because while it isn’t writer’s block — it certainly feels like it. Pity there’s no such thing as writer’s congestion… That’s certainly what it feels like.
All things considered, I’m doing pretty well. My mood’s better since the mini-vacation I went on (in spite of the fact that my landlord did sort of get on my tits when I realized that he runs on a 24/7/365 schedule and not a Mon-Fri workday schedule) and in spite of snow threats over the next couple of days, I’m sort of happy that it’s rainy and dreary instead. As long as it’s making the snow from the blizzard we had between the last entry and this disappear, that’s all I care about really.
That’s about it for the time being. Short entry as it is, I’m off to enjoy a bit more music and then perhaps drumming up a challenge to work with this muse instead of just slogging along as I usually do. Until the next time.