Entry 10/25/2007 07:07:27 AM – Mentat 365

     I think one of the things that confounds me most is that time between admitting to someone an attraction and an affection for the person and them actually reciprocating it.  It can sometimes be an awful moment of time because you’ve put yourself into a vulnerable position waiting, hoping, that the feeling is mutual, and perhaps dreading the possibility that it’s not.  While that moment doesn’t seem to be too long when you’re younger — it feels longer and longer as you get older — particularly given that you’re now dealing with someone that’s been burned, or hurt, or worse, and you’re having to wait, not only for them to accept your vulnerability, but scrutinizing it because they’re trying to also determine whether it’s true and honest, and not some sort of game they’ve experienced in the past. 
     To make matter all the more complicated, then there’s me — having survived a world of hurt, and insecurity and doubts as to whether or not I’m ready to remotely try — having put myself in this position of vulnerability looking for any sign, any portent, anything that will possibly give me any reason whatsoever to pull back or pull out before that horrible word "no" comes up and get hurt during those moments between honesty and acceptance/rejection. 
     Heh…  Me….  Once again frightened of that word.  As though it were to make or break me.  Even though I know it’s only a word, and even though I know it doesn’t invalidate my existence, but being a perfectionist at times, I find it hard to accept considering that when I put my mind to things, I usually make those things happen.  At least everyplace, but affairs of the heart.  In that fear, I find myself back to that place before I had realized my place in the universe, when I was without any real self-confidence, and hoping, wanting a man to love me for me because I couldn’t find it within myself to love myself.
     The love that I have for myself is there, but it’s not at the level that it should be.  It still seems rather weak and paltry (compared to what I remember of it in the past) because of the nagging self-doubt that I go through wondering, "am I really ready to try again or is this just another one of my false starts where I’m trying to rush things when I really shouldn’t?" 
     And to wrap this complication up all nicely with an ever so lovely ribbon of yet more complication, I find that in a moment of inspiration, I had unlocked a part of my heart to someone that I had held feelings for, for so long, and having denied following those feelings for a number of difficult reasons. 

     First and foremost of course being fear.  Fear that I wasn’t worthy to make the effort.  Fear that I wasn’t worthy enough for the effort of another man as I routinely feel so shattered or broken, or hurt, or damaged goods.  Fear that we would have so little in common.  More importantly being fear of finding myself back in that pit and hole that I had suffered through for so very long with Rick. 
     Then there’s the other issues that I have going on.  Distance.  That has routinely been a rather dark omen in my life.  Thousands of miles of distance.  I have always had some mixed success with distance, but only when it was I that was the anchor and the beacon for the man to come to, and not the other way around.  The other way around has in the past always ended in failure not because I lacked the determination or the want to go there, but because of karmic duties or local responsibilities to keep me firmly where I was. 

     Finally another issue that has cropped up because of this encounter — fear of the reprisals or repercussions that could be generated within a common area that knows me not for the man that I am — but for the reputation that I have both made as my own, and been built upon by my peers within that environment.  After all, how can a bitch, or an asshole or someone viewed as cold-hearted ever possibly fall in love with another human being?  Least of all, how can someone quite as cold-hearted as me, possibly think to want someone that it good-natured and warm, and well-respected?   "Let’s put an end to this" would be their attitude thereby spreading the truth, and the lies based on perspective they think would be the truth towards that well-respected person attempting to prevent anything from blossoming further. 
     Strong person or not, the well intentioned advice and information given by and from peers can quickly turn into a kind of poison that instead of allowing any such blossom between two people to bud, flower and grow – to stunt, whither, and die in either sadness, or anger.  Lord knows, I’ve been in that position more than once, and no matter how watchful, or vigilant, or even cautious I was about such advice given, no matter what truths I had found for myself, the poison hidden in well-intentioned advice had always done its job. 

     So instead of allowing a path through illusion to continue because I had unlocked my heart the way that I did, I had come out of hiding, and quite literally uncloaked to reveal the man that was me.  I had thought that I had done rather well, although I can’t be certain as the man that I had unlocked my heart to is a shy and reserved one — cautious… 

     And so I find myself at the cross-road…  Waiting to see whether I have the ability to push forward with permission, whether I am at the gate, or whether I will be gracefully turned down. 

     *sighs*  It’s a tough place…  And here I am.  Wondering and waiting…  Patiently I hope.  Definitely nervous. 

     I’ll write more tonight…  Right now though, I’m desperate for sleep. Until the next time.